


Finding My Place Journal

by wx4rmk



Category: Bonanza
Genre: Diary/Journal, Family, Western, gold plated rifle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:02:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27591758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wx4rmk/pseuds/wx4rmk
Summary: Jamie documents his thoughts and feelings about living with the Cartwrights in a journal during the season 12 episode, ‘The Gold-Plated Rifle’ (episode #16). Written for a Trailriders writing challenge.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 2





	Finding My Place Journal

**Entry One**

I have only been living with the Cartwrights for a few months. Life is good for the most part. I love helping around the ranch and round-up is coming soon. It is going to be my first one so I am doubly excited! But that all changed when Mr. Cartwright told me one day that was going to be starting school.

School! I didn’t need school. I wanted to run a ranch when I grew up and I already knew all I needed to do just that. I told Mr. Cartwright that too. To his credit, he at least let me prove to him what I knew. I think he was surprised at how quickly I could add in my head. I was proud of myself for proving him wrong. Well, I was until he gave me a harder problem with multiplication and division.

As much as I wanted to succeed and prove to him I could do it, I couldn’t. And that frustrated me. That’s when he gave me that look that told me there was no talking him out of going to school. I hated the decision and wasn’t about to give up so easily.

**Entry Two**

So much for not wanting to go to school. I tried and tried to convince Mr. Cartwright that I didn’t need to go to school. He didn’t buy any of my arguments and stood firm in this decision. I resigned to going, but I didn’t have to be happy about it.

I had a right not to be happy as school was exactly how I expected it – awful. The children teased me, even the ones several years younger than me. And then there were these boys about my age who thought it was funny to pick on me and try to fight with me. They kept taunting me about how even though I lived with the Cartwrights, they didn’t really love me. They were only sending me to school to get me out of the way.

At first, I didn’t pay them any mind. I knew Mr. Cartwright and Hoss and Little Joe all cared for me. They wouldn’t have taken me in if they didn’t. But when I got home after that first day and I was basically ignored when I tried to tell them about my day, I thought there might be something true to what those boys told me.

**Entry Three**

My suspicions came true. I told everyone on the ranch about the spelling bee we were having at school and I asked if they would be there. They all promised me they would show up. They never did. That got under my skin. Obviously, they didn’t care at all for me or what I’m doing. All they care about is this stupid ranch!

As I rode home from school, I got angrier and angrier. I wanted to hurt them as much as they did me but didn’t know how. It wasn’t until I stepped inside the house that I figured out how to do just that: I’d take Mr. Cartwright’s beloved rifle. He told me many times not to use it; that it was special.

So, I took it without thinking twice. I was only going to show it around to some of the boys from school and maybe shoot it a couple times. It was all that dang gone cougar’s fault! It scared my horse and sent me and that rifle into the river. That’s bad enough, but what’s worse is that the rifle broke. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but I was still angry with the Cartwrights and figured this was just an added bonus to get back at them.

**Entry Four**

Why is it that guilt never sets in until after you’ve done something? I snuck the rifle back into its proper spot and leaned the piece that broke off against it. No one would know it was broken until they went to use it, which by Mr. Cartwright’s standards could be months. No one would ever suspect it was me by then. I started to feel guilty though about what happened.

As each hour passed by, the guilt just kept eating away at my soul. I had decided I was going to confess when Mr. Cartwright returned from the round-up. But when they returned and asked about my spelling bee and then basically ignored me (again!) and my answer, I changed my mind. He can live with his broken rifle for all I care!

When Little Joe discovered it broken, naturally they questioned me about it. I put on my best neutral face and told them I had nothing to do with it. Mr. Cartwright seemed skeptical but bought my lie.

I hated lying to Mr. Cartwright and the guilt continued to fester inside of me. And after a fight at school, I cracked. I told Mr. Cartwright I took his rifle and broke it. He was appreciative of the confession and I thought it would end there. Boy was I was wrong. He tried to impose wood sawing as a punishment for my actions. It was one thing to confess, but there was no way I was going to be sawing wood for who knows how long! If he loved me as he said, he would have just accepted my apology and then we would have moved on. Nope. This was proof they didn’t care about me after all and just wanted me around to do awful chores like sawing wood. I wasn’t going to stick around for that.

**Entry Five**

It was still dark when I took off for Mill City where I ended up getting a job at a livery. It wasn’t the most glamorous job, but at least I was earning my own money and not working for free like I was on the Ponderosa.

The Cartwrights were very busy and clearly didn’t care about me, so the last thing I expected was for Mr. Cartwright to show up at the livery. To be honest, I was a little annoyed he had shown up. He was the last person I wanted to see and my temper started to rise. I made sure he knew that I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself and that he didn’t have to worry about me anymore. I’m embarrassed to admit it turned into more of a shouting match than a civilized conversation. My temper rose so high, I might have even said some things I’m ashamed I even said now.

Mr. Cartwright must have gotten the hint though that I wanted to be on my own as he left without saying another word. It wasn’t until he returned a few minutes later that I knew he was serious and he might actually care about me. He then proceeded to give me one of his famous lectures. I had no choice but to stand there and listen. I wasn’t happy about everything he told me, but his words were slowly cracking open that hard exterior that I had put up.

I had all intentions of staying right where I was. That all changed though when Mr. Cartwright returned my father’s watch to me and put his hands on my shoulders. It’s amazing how much can be said without words and through a simple action. I knew then that these weren’t just words he was saying; he really did want me to return.

It took me a few days to make up my mind that the Ponderosa was where I was meant to be. Some of the conditions that were laid out for me if I returned will take some time to get used to, but at least they all seem reasonable. I think in the end I’ll ~~like~~ love my new family. I guess time will tell, but one day I may even call Mr. Cartwright my father.


End file.
